Well, I can’t say I’ve been well so I hope you have.
Let’s see. Briefly… I’ve been getting “sicker” or… “less well” for the past year and apparently stumping medical science. Not really a huge surprise. I feel and look more and more like poo.
Two days before Thanksgiving, my only grandmother dies kind of unexpectedly. This does not mix well with the emotional retardedness that’s been increased by medication. And the open casket deal freaked me out. And, it was just awful.
Life continues to suck, and I see a new health practictioner. She is promising. I do a saliva test (yeah it was a little weird), and fail horribly on an iodine content test. Again, no surprise. I have all the signs of my thyroid not working already.
Can’t take my apartment/neighbor anymore. Find new apartment with minimal searching but maximum drama.
Oh crap, it’s Christmastime. Shopping/prep squeezed into the 21 and 22. Phew. Travel to parents’.
Nice relaxing time. Naps. Glory.
Back to home/work/blerg. At least it’s a short week and I’m moving on the 1st.
December 30th: Mom calls at an odd time.
Grandpa was out plowing snow with the tractor.
He shouldn’t have been, but you couldn’t stop that man from working.
The tractor was hit by a speeding SUV.
He has been life-flighted.
I can hear her fear through the phone.
Later that evening, and update.
Grandpa took life support out of his living will when Grandma died a few weeks ago.
He’s not stable anymore.
Without life support we don’t expect him to make it through the night.
I can hear the sadness but acceptance;
Heartbreak but peace.
December 31st, morning.
He’s with Grandma now.
Knives in my soul.
But he wanted to be there.
Your father and I are driving up immediately.
Calling hours are Sunday,
Funeral is Monday.
Just like Grandma’s.
Don’t travel Friday, the weather is going to be bad.
Ok, Mom, I’ll be up Saturday as soon as I can.
New Year’s Eve feels gray and meaningless.
January 1st: I move.
So much help.
What a blessing.
Why do I deserve this?
Finally free of failed apartment #3.
Sadly I may only be here for 8 months.
I feed my wonderful helpers and then start unpacking.
Exhaustion hits hard.
January 2nd: Marathon Stress Day.
Old apartment for mail.
Post office to set up forwarding/address change.
AAA to change license/etc.
I am tired, can I go home yet?
Where/what is home?
It’s a box with my stuff in it.
Wal-Mart for odds and ends to get “settled”
whatever that is.
This all feels so trivial.
Mom, how’s it going? Are you eating? Sleeping?
I can hear sadness but relief.
I feel sadness but relief.
Back to new home, unpacking continues.
I like it. But it’s still lonely.
But I don’t want to see anyone until I get back.
January 3-6: A Blur
200 mile drive alone.
Family.
Sadness.
Relief.
Memories.
Photographs.
Hugs.
Labored sighs.
The lawyer is here, find another room.
Silence.
Stories.
Laughter.
Hardcore Skip-Bo playing.
Jovial excitement.
Nighttime.
Cold.
Calling hours on Sunday.
Hundreds of people.
What a man.
He was born to work
Made to serve God and humanity
And that’s how he died.
Poetic.
Funeral Monday.
True feeling of rest.
Difficult.
Ending.
A reward of rest, finally.
Cemetery, bitterly cold.
Grandma’s grave still raised and fresh looking.
Poetic.
Difficult.
Beginning by ending.
Church basement with more food than you can imagine.
Laughter.
Solemn nodding.
Broken plumbing!
Mops.
Good nights.
Hang in theres.
The farmhouse feels still, even when it’s full of people.
Roles.
Responsibility.
Do you like these?
Do you want this?
Take something you’ll remember.
Feed the wood furnace.
200 mile drive back.
Reality.
Then there were some days.
I get my test results.
My adrenal system is haywire and unhealthy.
My thyroid is stuggling.
It will take 6-12 months to recover.
But I will.
No drugs.
Change my life.
Give my body supplements.
Find joy.
Applying to grad school.
Deadlines approaching.
Time goes so slow, then so fast, then so slow again.
It makes me motion sick.
First deadline met.
What is this feeling?
Hope?
Accomplishment?
Hopelishment?
When I can’t push on anymore, I crawl.
But ever forward.
