If I say something is not about me

And you argue with me,

And never let me finish a sentence,

Constantly interrupting,

You obviously don’t care what I have to say,

So why should I make art about me?

And that is the reason that I do NOT make art about me.

No one actually f-cking cares,

Like I said.

Thanks for proving me right,

But next time make it less hellish,

Thanks.

I encourage you to not give in to what got us here. November 27 in the US/Canada, November 28 in Europe and overseas.

… for one reason or another (in my foreseeable future, though, it is true that anything will happen).

1. buy a car with worse gas/fuel mileage than one i owned before it.

2. wear, buy, or support makeup of any kind.

3. agree that life is as complicated as the oft-read old white male philosophers say it is.

4. believe there is not God.

5. trust easily, anyone, ever.

6. parent.

7. heal completely/live one day without pain.

8. be famous.

9. remove life.

10. tolerate intolerance.

One of today’s fun creations.

List time. This edition: endings to the phrase “somewhere over the rainbow…”

1. …there’s another rainbow (credit: Arrested Development)
2. …you can look back and the rainbow is reversed whoaaa.
3. …trombones are the lead instruments in every ensemble.
4. …cubicles are not depressing.
5. …Al Gore is petting a dolphin.
6. …the recession is really over.
7. …osmosis to the brain actually works.
8. …there are Hatfield and McCoys harmoniously existing.
9. …life has “undo.”
10. …everything is wireless, not just my cat.
11. …it becomes easy to explain the additive color palette.
12. …everyone uses turn signals appropriately!
13. …there are slap bracelets.
14. …we have a reverse-Babel and there is no language barrier.
15. …couches, mattresses, and similar furniture never get grody.
16. …we can choose our neighbors. All of them.
17. …Skittles actually taste like the rainbow.
18. …we get the ability to hide celebrity news, like we can hide people on Facebook feed.
19. …nothing ever gets stuck under your fingernails.
20. …no more unibrows!

1. Wear an authentic military shirt, the workout t-shirts.
2. Be at least 34% bigger than them.
3. Eyebrows. Serious eyebrows. One skeptical arch I find works well.
4. Eye contact. Ok, stare ferociously.
5. Notoriously get a lot of packages.
6. Authoritative knocking. Use the heel end of your palm, no knuckles. Really shake those hinges. Not enough to crack door (if you want security deposit back).
7. Train cat to growl.
8. Always enter building on cell phone in mid-conversation such as, “I told him to do it, but he didn’t and you know what happens to people who don’t. … … Yep, bald as can be.”
9. Vanity license plate: APT RULR (get it get it, apt or apartment whoa two meanings)
10. Be besties with the super/landlord.